expertcosmotips:

gellie-xo:

expertcosmotips:

tell him his dick should be on america’s next top model

what happens if he loses

he doesn’t get to be on top

craplos:

ladies. be careful when u wear spaghetti straps. it might distract the boys. they’ll start thinking of spaghetti. they will get hungry. they will stop at nothing to get their spaghetti.

(via expertcosmotips)

fr33kinmatt:

First I’m gonna

But then you have to

This turned out way longer than expected. 

I was just remembering something that happened a few weeks ago at work when we catered a small event. They hired a staff of four; a chef, a supervisor, a bartender, and a waiter (me.) I was unpacking some serving plates when the chef asked if I could help her make a guacamole since she is allergic to avocados. I said sure and she asked if I remembered how I did it last time. I let her know I had never made guacamole at an event before. She then told me I had because I worked with her the week prior at a retirement home. I told her I hadn’t worked with her for awhile and that I had never waited at a retirement home. She then asked my supervisor about it and he said that it was me. I denied it again. The chef then asked if I liked knitting and if I was going to get new glasses and I said yes (although I never discussed that with her.) She and my supervisor are convinced it was me although I swear I didn’t work that day. 

I was thinking about this tonight when I remembered another occurrence of mistaken identity involving me. Back in the day when I lived with my parents I used to forget my keys all the time. But whenever I forgot them I used to call my mom and she would open the door. That was always my go to solution even if it was very late at night. Anyway, we lived in the garden apartment (basement) and we had tenants upstairs and our apartments have an enclosed back porch with stairs connecting them. One day my parents were outside talking with them and when they came in they asked if I had ever gone through the upstairs apartment to get to out apartment. I said no and asked why. According to the neighbors on multiple occasions I had knocked on their door and asked if I could come through their apartment. They also said that twice when they didn’t answer the door I opened their window (a second floor [if you count the basement as a floor] window, mind you) and climb through and made my way to the back porch. 

I have never done that. Ever. I have also never been drunk or used drugs so its not like I could’ve done it and forgot. And it was multiple times that this happened. I would have remembered. We knew each other well so they didn’t question when I would go through their apartment. They claim it was me.  

Which reminds me about another occurrence. My sister lives all the way upstairs and she says that some nights I would call out her name asking if she could let me in because I forgotten my keys but by the time she got to the window there was no one there. I would never holler or scream outside at night. I’m not the kind of person I am. My sister and I are very close and she knows my voice very well so she couldn’t have mistaken someones elses for mine. 

Who was/is this person? Is it a person at all? I am really starting to freak out again. Ahhh! Goosebumps. 

theoncomingstormofgallifrey:

such-a-retardis:

catswithbenefits:

why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me 

Because rollercoasters can actually make me scream.

(via harlequinesque)